Our Engagement Photos!

First all credit for this amazingness goes to Lauren Scotti (www.laurenscotti.com).  She is the genius behind both our engagement and wedding photos (I have those too and l can’t wait to share!) And to say I am obsessed is a huge understatement. One of my favorite moments has been when I am sitting at my desk and my laptop screensaver comes on flashing a mixture of both photo sets. I find myself watching the screen like a movie and loving every single one, every single time. I will cherish these forever. 

engagement photo
engagement photo
engagement photo

I want to share a few highlights and the story behind the photos, not only because they are so dang awesome but also because we almost did not take them at all. 

I mean… come on…  we almost did not take these?? 

engagement photo

We were engaged in March just before the California stay at home in order and in a time when COVID-19 was on the top of everyone’s mind.  We knew we were not going to have a long engagement and set our sites on August for our wedding.  We found an amazing wedding planner and secured my dream photographer.  By then we were approaching two months from our wedding date and the schedule was tight.  Unfortunately there were also restrictions in place in the state on outdoor activities, venues and other businesses- including photographers.  We were unsure if we were actually going to be able to move forward even if we planned a date unless these restrictions were altered.  

engagement photo
engagement photo
engagement photo

As with everything in life during this time my hopes were to proceed but knowing that it may not happen put a little damper on the excitement. In the back of my mind were thoughts like: Do we really need more photos of us? What about the added cost? Our wedding is so close… shouldn’t we just wait and call it a day?  Honestly how many photos of ourselves do we really need there are only SO MANY WALLS in our house?! Haha.  

So I naturally did what everyone would do in such circumstance.  I googled it.  “Do you really need engagement photos” “Why get engagement photos” and so on.  I read all the blogs, articles and theories I could find.  The answers were variable and solidified that my thinking was similar to many brides before me.  Next I asked my fiancé, wedding planner, friends, random strangers I passed on the street…. okay not really the strangers part but almost. 

Reflecting further got me nowhere.  Finally some business were allowed to open locally and it was during my first haircut in months I heard something that first stuck.  My hairdresser said not getting engagement photos was the one thing she regretted from that period of time before she was married. She said there was something to be said for having those photos to represent that time of your life. Boom, loud and clear.  My wedding planner also encouraged us to have more time to work with our photographer to get used to the direction in front of the camera prior to our wedding day.  She also recommended it because “Sometimes it’s nice to have nice photos where you are not wearing a wedding dress”, haha!  Seriously, as an adult other than my terrible work ID photo when do you get professional photos taken? Never. 

Once California eased restrictions we worked with our photographer to find a location, talk vibe etc.  I trusted her implicitly to guide us having seen her prior work. I sent thoughts on some casual jeans/tshirts and a little flow dress I had ordered. In the back of my mind I also had a dreamy jumpsuit ordered for our rehearsal reception from Rime Arodaky.  And when I say dreamy, I mean DREAMY!  By now we had realized that the dream wedding was postponed until 2021 and I decided this jumpsuit deserved to not be in my closet for a whole year waiting to be worn…  I sent pictures of all options to our photographer.  She suggested all 3 and had a space in mind in downtown LA.  Done deal.

engagement photo

If you have never been to the fashion district in DTLA it is similar to that area in New York or think crazy street vendors, lots of traffic on small streets, people walking everywhere and overall a very high energy urban environment.  We arrived with our luggage in hand and masks on.  Yes, luggage.  Unfortunately I am very good at dressing myself but dressing a man for a photo shoot was another story.  The one thing I figured out was for my dreamy jumpsuit (our most formal) I wanted him in a dark suit.  Which is actually another funny story.  A few nights before I had him pull out his current suits to try on for the shoot… And we realized immediately that he looked like he was trying on his father’s clothes as a kid.  They were HUGE! Haha. Have mercy.  We rushed down to Suit Supply (who had made his wedding suit… more on that in another post) and ordered him one as quickly as possible.  Looking at the photo above I think they pulled it off.

engagement photo
engagement photo
engagement photo

So there we are in downtown LA and head inside the studio.   Another photo shoot was finishing up. “How insane is it we get to do this” kept running through my mind.  The space was open and white, grand and urban, and very, very cool.  The light coming in was amazing.  I will never forget what an amazing experience it was to be able to use a professional studio in downtown Los Angeles, dress up and work with such an amazing photographer. We had a blast. Here we are behind the scenes before images and our reward after…

I received the photo set 11 days before the wedding. I am so happy we took the time, money and effort and made it work. I say this not only because of the photos but the memories we created taking them.  These photos represent a snapshot of our lives (literally and figuratively) in a time when we were working through a really crazy world together as a team.  They illustrate learning how to love each other during a quarantine.  They represent the excitement of planning a beautiful wedding that we will one day get to share with our family and friends (see you in 2021).  They show our laughter, our playfulness and our inability to make normal faces in front of the camera 99% of the time and they document fully just how in love we are in that moment. A moment we will never see again.  I am so grateful it is documented in such a beautiful way.

engagement photo

Life changes.

If you have made it over to my website today, you are probably wondering what the heck is going on in my life and why I left Los Angeles.  Or maybe you are just wondering why I have been completely off the grid for the four weeks.  Haha, I get it! But it happened. And in times of change we sometimes need to take a step back and allow ourselves time to process. So I did exactly that. Now I am ready to share.  

What you are about to read in the next few life update posts I am planning will give you insight.  Although it may seem crazy, it is the right choice for me and I know that.  The hardest part of all of this has been allowing my emotional self to catch up with my cognitive self.  What I mean by that is that even though I know it is the right choice, I needed time to emotionally catch up to what I was choosing. Hence me being off the grid.  I have learned that I can reason my way through most any problem, but being the emotional person I am my heart takes a little longer to adjust.

First, I would be remiss to not start by saying how grateful I am for the time spent in Los Angeles, the opportunities that were given and the people who made it such a special adventure.  It was quite literally the best time of my life.  After spending years in Cleveland learning medicine and also exploring who I was LA was my chance to grow fully into everything I truly am.  It was nothing short of magical.  I experienced more during my short time in LA than in the many years prior by simply feeling like ‘saying yes’ to anything and everything. Yes was always the right answer in LA. The city is such a special place and it will always have an exceptional place in my heart. I will be visiting often.  Who knows where the future will take us right? Better I stay in touch with the magic. 

Loving life this summer in LA.

The reason for leaving is complex. But drilled down when I weighed what I was doing against who I wanted to be something was maligned.  I have always believed you must follow your gut in these moments. You must lean towards who you want to be in this world and fight to go there ferociously.  That gut feeling is a guiding light.  Our instinct.  When who I know I am was clearly at odds with the nuts/bolts aspects of my day to day existence it was time to consider change.  

Lucky for me, my husband and I had started this conversation a while ago and when it came time to pull the plug per-say, we had a plan in motion.  It was a gut wrenching decision (to say the least) and the execution of what happened next moved faster than I could have imagined.  After all was said and done and I was driving away from our little beach home with the last of my belongings in the car (and Francis riding shotgun of course) I felt calm, but also still a little blown away by the fact that I was actually leaving.  


This rushed goodbye was complicated more by COVID-19 (as is everything in life right now).  The usual way I say goodbye would be having having dinners with friends, giving hugs and going to one last hoorah at all my favorite spots in town.  Because of the restrictions and pandemic closures, as well as the safety concern surrounding spread of this miserable virus, I didn’t get to do any of that.  I had to sneak away without a proper goodbye.  And it sucks.  

Last family photo before we drove away

So here we are on the other side of transition. Not much worse for wear- other than poor Francis who despite being a trooper through yet another move/roadtrip/hotel/home experience developed a corneal ulcer and had eye surgery.  We are going on 5 weeks in the dreaded cone, eye drops and medications four times per day.  We are holding it together helped immensely by the fact that I have been able to be home with him during this time.  Let me also say four times a day medications is terrible and I will never prescribe them in the future if other options are available. It’s a full time job to wrangle this wiggly bowling ball of a pup once let alone four times everyday!

Sunbathing in the cone vs new satellite dish?

I am sure the question in your mind is so “what are you doing now?”  Currently, (besides wrangling this pup) I am rebooting.  I am working from home on projects that I need to catch up on.  I am reflecting greater on where I came from and who I want to be.  And I am focusing hard on my future and creating the sort of medical experience I know I want for patients.  I am becoming more me everyday and can’t wait for you all to see it! 

With love and hope,

What is it like?

What is it like to visit a doctor’s office right now during the pandemic?

Sitting in my office today I realized that given the state of the COVID-19 pandemic there has been increased anxiety in my patients about visiting the doctor.  They just don’t know what to expect and for good reason are worried.  It is intimidating and can be associated with anxiety to begin with, and now with any new protocols or potential increased risks patients are (rightfully) concerned. However, I want to tell you that it is not that much different.  To alleviate some fear, I’ll walk you through the process and discuss what new protocols you can expect when visiting.  

First and foremost, we are here, and we are seeing patients who need us.  There are a couple different ways to visit the doctor right now.  You can definitely come in person to see us as you would normally, or if you feel uncomfortable and worried given either the pandemic or your risk given your personal medical conditions, we are also offering telemedicine visits, which I have talked about before Here! (essentially where a doctor and you can video chat). 

Next when you have decided to make a doctor’s appointment, what changes should you be aware of?  Let’s walk through the process.  You start by calling for an appointment as always, but you will likely notice the first change here with the conversation you have with the scheduler.  Your scheduler will ask you about symptoms for COVID-19 as well as any other risk factors for exposure.  They will inform you about some of the measures in the clinic that we are taking to try to protect our patients.  Once you complete the screen, you make your appointment and are good to go.  Face coverings are mandated in the buildings, so you will be reminded have one for your appointment. And in case you forget, don’t panic!  You will be provided with a mask if you do not have one when you arrive.  Like you, the doctor, nurses, and all staff you meet will also be wearing a mask throughout the visit.  When you arrive at the office you will be asked to fill out a questionnaire about possible symptoms and exposure and have your temperature checked with an infrared forehead thermometer.  If you do not have a fever, or active symptoms you will “pass” this portion.  You may notice that our waiting rooms have been changed to help with social (physical) distancing.  This means chairs have been removed and spaced far apart. In some cases, you may bypass the waiting room altogether and move immediately from check in to your examination room.  This helps keep everyone safely distanced and separated. Heads up, this may mean you sit in the exam room longer than normal while waiting for the doctor, but it helps keep everyone away from each other, which is the goal of social distancing.  

The visit with the doctor should feel pretty normal overall.  Sure, we are limiting handshakes, but the doctor will still examine and treat you in our normal way.  There is lots of handwashing for us these days! But honestly not much different from how we normally operate. Hand washing has long been a part of our infection control practices in hospitals. 

What happens next?  Once you see the doctor if we need an MRI or another test it is absolutely still available.  In some cases, there may be a bit longer wait given those facilities are also implementing procedures for social distancing and cleaning, which may mean more time between appointments.  But overall, tests, medical procedures and surgeries are being done as they were before this pandemic with a little additional caution. 

After visits with my patients, I am asking folks to stay in the room, and once the coast is clear from other patients in the common areas, my staff review any needed next steps with you directly and help you exit seamlessly and as socially distant as possible.  Once you exit our building our staff does a diligent job in cleaning the rooms before we move on to our next patient.

Bottom line:  there are some small changes to protocols to try to keep patients safe, but no other large ones you should worry about. You need to be mindful of local stay-at-home orders and the pandemic is absolutely still out there. But, we are here for you, and we are all doing the best we can in this challenging time.  Stay safe!

I miss sports…

April 30. 

The fiancé and I took a long run tonight around our neighborhood.  I have been trying to get into the swing of exercise during the pandemic. But if you read my last post (linked here!) it hasn’t always been easy.  So, when offered a leisurely paced (aka Morgan’s pace, not his pace) tonight after dinner, I took him up on the offer.  When we were about 1.5 miles out, we happened upon the local high school sports fields.  Immediately I felt the need to reach out my hand towards the gate.  There was a pit in the bottom of my stomach.  Seeing that football field I was struck with so many emotions.  I really miss sports. 

My job sometimes isn’t easy, and it often weighs on me.  As an emotive person the weight of everyone’s pains and injuries can build up. The expectations of seeing volumes of patients, doing paperwork, and managing a staff can weigh on my sensitive being.   And when you have games to cover on countless weekends and evenings it can start to feel like a chore.  But that day I felt such a strong longing to stand on the sidelines on a fall Saturday covering a football game.  I could feel the cool breeze in the air, hear the fans cheering in the stadium, and see our team playing on the field.  I long for the day we are able to play sports again.  But this longing is mixed with the fear I have for the safety of our athletes. COVID-19 has changed everything, including my perspective.   

May 3.

My fiancé and I have jumped on the bandwagon and are watching The Last Dance on ESPN (ESPN Story linked here).  The story for those that don’t know is about the Chicago Bulls in the era of the great Michael Jordan.  And you know what, I’ll say it again, I really miss sports. While watching I couldn’t help but think about why I feel so strongly about it.  I am not just a fan.  There is something more to the desire I feel.  

You’ve have heard the saying, “if you can’t be an athlete be an athletic supporter?” Well I think we as team docs are the ULTIMATE athlete supporter.  Let’s be honest again, I am not larger than life. I will never be.  But these athletes are.  And when they stand in victory we stand on the sidelines or in the very far background.  The feeling that we helped, even in a just small amount, contribute something towards whatever it was that allowed them to get there… WOW. Even if we didn’t directly contribute anything aside from being there in case, even when we are just there to watch it from behind the scenes while it is all happening…. Same feeling. Still Wow. 

The energy of being around sports is irreplaceable.  I don’t have a championship ring, but I know what it is like to watch that end being achieved. Maybe that is in part why we do our jobs;  it isn’t for the ring itself in our case but to be a part of something greater than ourselves, to help the best of the best achieve her or his best, to help those larger than life characters to be the gladiators of today. 

Team doctors are always there.  Winning seasons or losing ones. Pandemic or not.  There is no real credit and most of us don’t care. All we want to be there to help the best achieve greatness. We want the gladiators of our time to shine. We want those who are larger than life to make magic.   

Bottom line, I am honored to go behind the scenes and play my very small role in the greater world of sports.  It is absolutely my honor to have stood in every tunnel in which I have been placed. It is my honor to walk into a locker room and help an athlete in need.  

I often joke that it is like going behind the curtain of the Wizard of Oz at times. You know what is back there now, and some of the spectacle of it all changes.  But what an honor it is to know the greatest of the greats. 

Dang, I miss it. 

40 days.

April 20. 

Monday. I think its Monday. Yes, I checked, definitely Monday.  Forty days since the NBA announced they were postponing the season. We have been in “social distancing” since March 19th.  Life has happened since then in some ways: I have gotten engaged, moved, started telemedicine.  Amidst it all we as a society still are trying to plan a future.  I see it for me as we are forging ahead planning our wedding (not for the faint of heart doing a pandemic I might add).  We dream of our perfect honeymoon and hope we can go somewhere amazing. But as it looks now, that may not be in the cards with the regulations on foreign travel in the short-term. 

But life has also stopped. Hard stop. In some ways life hasn’t happened at all.  No sports to cover.  No concerts to attend or dinners out to be had.  People’s most joyous life events usually celebrated on a grand scale like birthdays and baby showers have turned in to drive by affairs. Vacations have been postponed.  And let me be honest with you, it has not been easy.  It seems petty to complain about not having a Friday cocktail out on the town, but we’re missing out on celebrating life’s milestones in the way we’re used to. We are social creatures. And when you take away the social part, even the most introverted souls are rippled.  

So now, we are all suddenly given this block of time without socialization or events to attend.  A full block of protected time spent at home.  Yet, somehow, I am personally struggling to know exactly what to do with it. And you know what, I have decided that is okay.  

There is so much pressure around us to do something productive at all times, especially during this social quarantine.  Social media is full of daily workouts, everyone is baking banana bread or reading novels or cleaning their closets or doing 73 step skin care routines nightly.  And sure, I have upped my home cooking (mostly out of necessity), but honestly some mornings I am simply proud that I have gotten out of bed.  There have been no home projects completed.  My closet is still a mess, and my at home workout routine has not been as strong or structured as my workout routine was pre-COVID-19.  I have been reading about how part of your brain- whether you realize it or not – is focused on this whole pandemic. Part of your brain is literally in panic mode wondering about your safety and survival, even if you aren’t consciously thinking about it. When I read that, my internal feelings made sense for the first time.  Sure, I want to be running every day and planning this wedding and dreaming of my fall sports seasons, but the future is so nebulous right now and my brain is at least in part in fear of the world around me.  It makes it nearly impossible to plan ahead, to dream, to have any sort of existence outside of waiting. 

And the waiting is hard. We don’t know how long this will last. Luckily for us, California has done an excellent job at social distancing so far, and our number of cases has been what most would call fair.  Under the leadership of our governor we are appearing to use science and testing and planning all appropriately.  But, no one knows when we will return to “normal.” And what is the definition of normal going to be?  For someone like myself that tends towards the worrier type, I am in a constant state of heightened fear. And even in the moments of joy and comfort I am in the background playing the movie reel of “what if it’s not okay.”

I admit this because I want you, or anyone who might read this, to know that it its okay.  It is okay not to know. It is okay to be worried and fearful and not feel like learning French or refinishing your wood floors is high priority right now even if you’ve always wanted to.  Just because you have the time, doesn’t mean now is the time.  Sometimes we just need to let ourselves survive anyway we can. Give yourself grace today. We all need it.

A new day.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” FDR

March 12. 

Today I awoke to find that indeed things are changing.  The NHL and many other leagues as expected followed suit to postpone seasons. It literally, and figuratively, changed overnight.  (NYPost article-sports in hybernation)  My eerie feeling of the night before was confirmed, and suddenly an onslaught of cancelations and postponements are being sent.  Changes to all of our prescheduled clinical meetings, social engagements, and all life events are happening in rapid succession.  Officially all social gatherings were limited to less than 50 people shortly thereafter. A national emergency is declared, and further global limits in other countries are reported. Just like that my, just like many others, day to day existence was unsettled.  And although my work continues it feels very different. As I stand in clinic seeing patients, it feels wrong.  Every patient I talk to shares the same fears as I.  We don’t know what we don’t know about this virus, and what we do know is very scary.  We try to be cautious with handwashing and limiting close interactions, but that feels supplemental to a bigger ominous production at hand.  It’s like watching something awful slowly unfold in front of you and knowing it needs to stop but not having the power to stop it, like seeing an impending car accident just seconds before you know the crash sound will be heard or like the moment of stillness in the air where time tics by more slowly than it should when I see a bad tackle on the football field, the kind that makes me hold my breath in anticipation of how it all ends. 

March 15.

March and April were supposed to very busy months for me.  There were games to cover every weekend and travel intermixed with other obligations. Instead, everything is on hold. This weekend, instead of being filled with back to back work responsibilities suddenly has a slower tune.  There is still that eerie sense of this new reality in the air, but we are oddly used to the feeling that these changes are imminent regardless of how we react.  Discomfort and uncertainty are becoming normal already.  

Amidst all of this, this (Sunday) morning my boyfriend has a spark of energy suggesting we go out for an adventure.  Little did I know he had been planning this day for over a month. Painstakingly he had been ring shopping while I was away covering sporting events or at work. And now, he is planning to propose.  I can’t say I didn’t know something was up because something just felt different.  But I wasn’t sure.  We went for a drive in his car and stopped to hike at the same place we first hiked as friends 11 months prior. It wasn’t going to be easy for him today though; with the COVID pandemic, most locals have taken to the hiking trails.  In order to find a more secluded spot, he decided to call an audible to strike off the beaten path, which led to a slightly more adventurous climb up the hill between the rows of switchback paths.  Muddy climbing through the bushes laughing that he is trying to kill me seems oddly apropos for how we should do this, right?  We happened on a small clearing that overlooked the coast from Catalina Island to Malibu.  He gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him.  I say yes as I reach to hug him as fast as I can. 

I had learned in my life before that grief and joy can coexist. It is today that I learned that fear and love can do the same.  Love is the most valuable thing we do as humans, and even in the time of pandemic we must choose to love. We must choose to fight for a love and a life that can spread this ultimate joy to others. 

March 19.  

I am cooking curry in the kitchen when the Mayor announces the first stay home order for LA.  (LA Mayor – safer at home).  He said, “We are all safer at home. Staying in our residences, being aggressive about hygiene, and practicing safe social distancing are the most effective ways to protect ourselves, the people we love, and everyone in our community.  Each one of us is a first-responder in this crisis, and Angelenos understand that we have to make big sacrifices right now to save lives. This isn’t forever — and we’ll get through it together.”

This week has been different. I have still been going to work and seeing patients that need to be seen. But now we have talked about a transition to telemedicine. 

What is telemedicine?  Basically, we as doctors can now treat patients by using a computer or phone.  Your face pops up on my screen and mine on yours.  We talk shop, I make my recommendations, do any orders for treatments you need, and document our visit. There are some rules and regulations:  the main one being I have to have a medical license in the state you are located… but it’s honestly that simple.  Why haven’t we done something like this sooner, right?!

(EVISIT article- how telemedicine works)

We have been discussing this type of care for years. A way for doctors to do medical care remotely. Some have started it but on small scale.  I have been reluctant to do so for several reasons.  First, I don’t do surgery (I discussed this more here… sportsdrmorgan article- what is a SM doc?), and most hospitals have started with doing these sorts of visits for visits after a surgery. Why? A couple of reasons. One, it is usually a quick visit to say look at a wound, and that is easy.  We feel bad when patients drive for hours, sit in waiting rooms and then spend 2 minutes with us saying ‘yep looks great! See you in a month!’ Two, we don’t get paid for these visits. It is complicated, but when you have surgery, the first few post-operative visits are included with the price of the surgery.  So, the insurance companies pay for them as a package deal.  We don’t charge separately for those visits. And guess what, we also don’t (or didn’t… more on that later) get paid by insurances for telemedicine visits. So, if we aren’t getting paid for seeing you in real life, there’s mutual benefit to see each other on the computer. We can save you the strife of the whole painful coming to the doctor process. And for us, we can do these encounters at odd hours like after clinic normal clinic times or during lunch breaks. This way, we get more patients seen during daylight hours. Three, the final reason why I never loved the idea of telemedicine, there is the possibility of more work after hours when I want to be home off the clock.

But with COVID-19 that all changed…  And it changed rapidly.  We can get paid for these visits now due to the pandemic emergency state.  In the pre-COVID days one needed to pay cash.  Now insurances are allowing doctors to bill for telemedicine visits like the way we do for regular office visits.  And the hospitals responded just as quickly.  Massive undertakings by our IT departments were achieved. Full telemedicine apps were developed. And for those that didn’t get that far, ZOOM has become our new best friend.  To be clear, I had never heard of a ZOOM anything until now. But it works! We don’t know how it will all shake out in the end… we don’t know the details of how we will get paid and how much. And if you have ever dealt with insurance companies you know it can be ridiculously painful. But for now, we are rolling it out all over the place. 

With the launch of telemedicine for my clinic the uncomfortable clinic visits I was having (and knowing that people should be staying home) disappeared. I can now see my patients and give medical advice via telemedicine from the safety of my home.  Elective surgeries were postponed next, and all meetings are now video calls. Even rotations for residents and staff on important services were changed to decrease the contact and overlap we have with each other. It all happened very quickly.  We are now truly trying to socially distance even in healthcare. And I cannot stress enough what an amazing feat that has been for most. While alongside of us, other frontline workers have pushed hard ahead to try to save lives.  

This next week proves more and more that adapting to change is the new normal.  Come to find out, emergent services do include vet visits. I call to confirm as my dog, Francis, needs an immunization.  I am scared to take him. Does this really need to happen?  I would’ve canceled, but it was a timed injection.  They confirmed they are open, but I find out even the vets have new special protocols in place to limit contact. We park in the parking lot, call them, and they come out to fetch (pun intended) the dog. We pay over the phone. I can see the front desk from my car window, and I wave thank you.  We are all acclimating to a new way of doing things. And we are surviving. 

March 20. 

We have been looking for a new place to live for over a month.  Our current landlord is selling our condo, and although he was kind enough to let us have some leeway regarding the lease end, I really wanted to find a new home since we were in a position of limbo.  Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, it happened today.  Good news… We found a place to rent! Super exciting considering several other places we looked at were either not suitable for our needs or not available…  LA is a tough rental market.  Bad news… we now need to move. During the COVID-19 pandemic. If you are reading this in the future, and during another pandemic, I do not recommend a move.  We had one week to pack everything, find movers, and go. Somehow my fiancé found movers who would come (@affordable_movingllc), and they wore masks, and we sanitized everything. But my aforementioned fears and desire to lock myself in the bathroom recurred.  We needed to do this. But I am absolutely worse for wear. 

More of the same has continued with work including telemedicine visits for my patients and being as productive as possible in other areas.  The talks of reallocation of staff continue. My fiancé is back on cycle next week where he will be in the hospital doing emergency things.  I am scared for his safety, and I am scared for mine.  And I wait. I am grateful to be safe at home and hoping others feel the same.  But suddenly my little cocoon of safety will be opened up back to the outside world when he returns.  LA still hasn’t been hit hard yet, and our hospital is holding steady.  It feels like we are waiting, circling. In a holding pattern and on the brink of something very scary, the edge of the bubbling fear I felt outside the night of the Kings game before the season was canceled.  It is still bubbling up and I am waiting.    

March 30.

It has been 3 weeks.  In 3 weeks, we are here. We are at home now.  Some of us are safe. Some of us around the world and still in NYC are in a fight for their lives.  (CBSnews article)  In 21 days, we have changed our entire culture and social construct as a human race.  I pray it ends soon. I pray that the pot never bubbles over locally and we did enough social distancing fast enough to prevent the onslaught of cases that are predicted.  And if mercifully it does subside, I cannot help but think about what the future holds.  How will we react when the bans are lifted?  Will this time of social isolation have an effect on how we choose to live future forward?  I know it will for me.  I will be much more mindful of how positive the sharing of life is with others.  I will be grateful for the interactions I have with my friends and loved ones. I will be grateful for a hug.  I will smile more at strangers and cheer for everyone I can in this life.  Can we all just agree now to do better?  Let’s slow down, be mindful, enjoy life. Human relationships should never be taken for granted again. 

The field of medicine will also undoubtably change.  We now are proficient at telemedicine… the infrastructure of how we treat patients moving forward can be different.  The precipice of a new era in healthcare is upon us. 

I am scared.

March 30.

I sit here reflecting on what is happening around the globe, and frankly I am terrified. I struggle to wrap my mind around the pace of the last few weeks and how quickly this has progressed. My mind battles with itself to comprehend how quickly life has changed. And not only do I feel scared but unprepared for what is likely to come in the next few weeks.

I was sent this article…  John Hovanesian, Use Use your physician ‘superpowers’ during the coronavirus epidemic

The author (@DrHovanesian) had some poignant thoughts and encouraged people to journal during this experience. I agree this is really important because 1) we want our future generations to understand the feelings we all had during this, and 2) we will survive. This will be my first entry into this journal of sorts. A little illustration from my perspective (as I really wanted my online presence to be), and I will continue it for as long as it’s needed… until we are on the other side of this fear.

If you read nothing further please for the love of humanity, STAY HOME AND STAY SAFE. Find joy in the stillness, and support those you can. You are not alone in your fear, and sometimes just acknowledging that this is all so very not-okay is the first step.

Why am I so scared? I saw a NY times article this week about how doctors are writing their wills (NY times link). I live in a two-doctor household where one of us must continue to be in the line of care for emergent issues no matter how sick patients may be, and where the other (me) may not be far behind in needing to care for those that are the sickest. He and I met only a year ago, a romance I never imagined or expected. First it was friendship. There was an offering of kindness and some shared life experiences that brought us together. It was easy, and the old adages of timing and comfort, and something about it just working all are spot on. We have our whole lives ahead of us. I am scared for my safety. I am scared for him. I am scared for the future we are starting to plan together. I joke that our love story is on the brink of being an unfortunate made-for-TV movie, but the jokes are based in my fear of a very scary reality. The scale of this pandemic and how quickly life has changed for everyone is agonizing my every moment. I hear horror stories and read the harrowing tweets from providers in NYC who are currently hit way harder than us here in LA, and I am scared.

On a staff meeting call recently we talked about re-allocation of resources. Let me be clear, we are the resources. I am a resource for caring for the sick during this time, and although I haven’t practiced this sort of hospital medicine at least 8 years (instead focusing my career on Sports Medicine)… I am next up. This is a war against disease, and doctors are in a sense, getting drafted. Or at least the closest thing our generation understands of it. Yes, I signed up for this in some sort of way, but not in a way that would put my own life in imminent danger. There is an extreme pull between my safety and the oath I took years ago to do my part for humanity. When I see news reports of people on vacation or traveling or having overall less than ideal judgement about this whole ordeal, it makes me take pause to consider the risk involved, the risk I am putting myself in for the sake of others. Part of me wants to lock myself in the bathroom and wait it out. I know how to survive. I can follow the ‘safe at home’ rules and not infect myself or others. But, I took that oath. It is my job, and I have the training to save others even if it puts myself at risk. If and when I am called to help I will. When the time comes, doctors step up. That is what we do. You have seen the news stories of medical professionals flying to Italy and the other hard-hit areas. We even volunteer for it. It is not only my responsibility, but my hit is my honor to care for another human being during their most vulnerable times. It has not fully hit LA yet, but it is coming. We know it is. There is a looming threat on our doorstep that we know is able to do terrible things. People are dying. The world itself feels fragile.

January 28.

We have heard of Coronavirus by now. I had heard some news reports of the awful state of affairs in Wuhan China since December and saw they had their first death on January 11. Wuhan is so far away from LA, and sinister things happen around the world all the time unfortunately. It is not in my backyard, or even near it, and I am not really thinking about it on a day to day basis in life or when it comes to the care of my patients. Sadly, we read of a sick 30 year old in the US on January 21 who had traveled back from Wuhan (CDC release). Memos, as they often are, are sent by email — what to look out for if a patient has a respiratory issue, be aware of travel to/from Wuhan China… Well, okay?? Not exactly a hot spot destination for tourism that I am aware of. If this would have started in say Palm Springs well then, I like all other Angelenos would have taken more notice. Besides, we are dealing with the flu right now. Influenza B is running rampant in LA and where I work. I am diagnosing multiple cases per day. I am not scared. I know what to do. I do my swab and use some gloves or a mask when appropriate. I know the protocol for the flu. I know how it is spread. I know how people get sick, and I know the population at highest risk.

So, life and work goes on as usual. I do a Facebook live for post-race recovery (Click here to watch). I see patients in clinic and at student health. I am covering USC basketball games and NHL games. I go to my favorite salon to get my eyebrows done and adventure with a long LA hike after. Today I am at work and approached about taking temperatures on every person from China in the building. I might have audibly laughed, and if I didn’t my face sure did. That seemed so absurd. We cannot discriminate by race. Period. We cannot assume a fever means anything, especially when people are more likely to have the flu, and taking a temperature seems to open a can of worms that just simply does not make sense. Now if they are from, have traveled to, or have been in contact with someone from Wuhan, then sure that poses a different threat. (present day me still agrees with this btw). We do what we know. We hand wash. We advise sick people to stay home and teach people how to cough/sneeze. End of story… or so I thought. Spoiler alert, not even close.

Again, life goes on. We are building momentum with our new clinical practice and seeing more patients than ever. And after almost 1 year of working on this project it feels good to see the growth. We have faculty dinners. I fly to Las Vegas to meet my boyfriend after he spent a few days at a medical conference. We go to a Superbowl party and plan our housewarming party to celebrate my relocation to his little downtown condo. It was a joyful affair. There are more hockey games, basketball games, football practices to cover. There are lectures to give and more patients to see.

Meanwhile, things are progressing globally. The WHO had declared a global health emergency, and travel from China was banned. Cruise ships are quarantined, and death tolls are rising. Italy and Latin America are being affected.

March 2.

It is my birthday. I turned 37. My significant other makes it very special and takes me to a lovely dinner. We laugh and enjoy the night fully at Bestia in the arts district of downtown LA. I always wanted to try it. The Italian dishes served in small plates come until late in the evening. The wait staff is superb. The wine is perfect.

But something about this week is clearly different. Just 2 days before the US put in place a travel restriction after we had our first death. Something is changing. Because now it is in our backyard. It is closer. Fear is starting to rise. What if this gets worse? How do we control it? What if we cannot control it? At a concert this weekend I am noticeably uncomfortable. I try to keep my distance from people (which isn’t too far my usual MO; let’s be honest usually crowds make me very uncomfortable), but something is just different. The difference is I am now scared.

That is the thing with the 2019 novel coronavirus (now COVID-19). We are all new to it. We are learning as we go but not fast enough, as doctors or as society. When something is unknown and new and not fully understood, it is very scary. Some information (or worse, misinformation) makes the fear worse. We think we know how it is spread. We think we know how people catch it. We think we know how to properly mask/glove/protect ourselves. But it is so strong, and we are so new to it. Are we right?? We don’t know the reasons why some people get sicker than others, and we don’t know what else we don’t know.

March 11.

This is the night it all changes for me. I work my usual day. During it President Trump suggests banning travel from Europe. I take my scheduled phone call with my accountant to discuss tax season. It is now announced as officially a pandemic. I talk to a colleague about patients. I hear that Universities are starting to plan to halt classes, and rumors are starting that basketball tournaments are going to play without fans. By the end of the day, there is clearly an air of something transpiring, and it is starting to grow. But I have a job to do, and tonight there is a Kings game.

I walk to work that night at the Staples Center, and there is an eerie feeling in my heart. Fans are still lining up, but there are noticeable differences. As one walks in there are hand sanitizer booths everywhere. News channels including ESPN on the screens of the arena are talking about COVID 19. Per my usual I walk and wait in the back medical office pregame. Watching the TV, the news seems to be rolling out in slow motion. No fans at Pac12 games (USA Today link). Boom. NBA announces a game planned the following night without fans (ESPN link). Boom. Do you know how eerie it is to stand working a professional sporting event among thousands of fans knowing that in the same state, less than 400 miles away no fans are to be allowed? My baseline fear of crowds grows. There is now a heightened fear of the mass of people around me.

There are no fans allowed into the ritualistic pregame areas tonight. The Kings usually come out to fans watching the doors open, smoke billowing out to the ice. No fans allowed there either. Straight to the ice they go. I go to my usual seat in the stands. We watch them play. The stands are averagely full. But something feels off. The news breaks of the first NBA positive. At the first break I am told not to come to the back doctor’s room unless I am called. Usually we meet there at each period break. We are distancing. We are trying to keep safe. As I sit in the stands surrounded by thousands, I see the announcement on my phone that the NBA is immediately postponing all games including the one planning to start in a few hours, BOOM. (CBS Sports link). People are eating nachos and cheering for our team. Suddenly the nachos, the high fives after goals scored and the sweat on the players’ faces feel sinister. The players know what is happening and so does the staff. We all do. There are fights and goals, and I sit there wondering if this is the last time I will watch this season. I take a deep breath as I walk out into the night air and head towards home. Suddenly the hopes for the future and the joy of life experiences are suddenly equally foolish and paramount to continue. As I step into the darkness of the night, I know we must continue to show love and joy but wonder how to do so in a time of so much fear and death. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know how much and how fast it is going to get worse. But as I stand there watching the fans leave in the haze of a team’s victory, I am already unsure, fearful and can feel the worry bubbling up about everyone and everything around me.

be safe.

ADDITIONAL SOURCES:

www.nytimes.com/2020/03/26/opinion/doctors-coronavirus-safety.html

www.nytimes.com/article/coronavirus-timeline.html