April 20. 

Monday. I think its Monday. Yes, I checked, definitely Monday.  Forty days since the NBA announced they were postponing the season. We have been in “social distancing” since March 19th.  Life has happened since then in some ways: I have gotten engaged, moved, started telemedicine.  Amidst it all we as a society still are trying to plan a future.  I see it for me as we are forging ahead planning our wedding (not for the faint of heart doing a pandemic I might add).  We dream of our perfect honeymoon and hope we can go somewhere amazing. But as it looks now, that may not be in the cards with the regulations on foreign travel in the short-term. 

But life has also stopped. Hard stop. In some ways life hasn’t happened at all.  No sports to cover.  No concerts to attend or dinners out to be had.  People’s most joyous life events usually celebrated on a grand scale like birthdays and baby showers have turned in to drive by affairs. Vacations have been postponed.  And let me be honest with you, it has not been easy.  It seems petty to complain about not having a Friday cocktail out on the town, but we’re missing out on celebrating life’s milestones in the way we’re used to. We are social creatures. And when you take away the social part, even the most introverted souls are rippled.  

So now, we are all suddenly given this block of time without socialization or events to attend.  A full block of protected time spent at home.  Yet, somehow, I am personally struggling to know exactly what to do with it. And you know what, I have decided that is okay.  

There is so much pressure around us to do something productive at all times, especially during this social quarantine.  Social media is full of daily workouts, everyone is baking banana bread or reading novels or cleaning their closets or doing 73 step skin care routines nightly.  And sure, I have upped my home cooking (mostly out of necessity), but honestly some mornings I am simply proud that I have gotten out of bed.  There have been no home projects completed.  My closet is still a mess, and my at home workout routine has not been as strong or structured as my workout routine was pre-COVID-19.  I have been reading about how part of your brain- whether you realize it or not – is focused on this whole pandemic. Part of your brain is literally in panic mode wondering about your safety and survival, even if you aren’t consciously thinking about it. When I read that, my internal feelings made sense for the first time.  Sure, I want to be running every day and planning this wedding and dreaming of my fall sports seasons, but the future is so nebulous right now and my brain is at least in part in fear of the world around me.  It makes it nearly impossible to plan ahead, to dream, to have any sort of existence outside of waiting. 

And the waiting is hard. We don’t know how long this will last. Luckily for us, California has done an excellent job at social distancing so far, and our number of cases has been what most would call fair.  Under the leadership of our governor we are appearing to use science and testing and planning all appropriately.  But, no one knows when we will return to “normal.” And what is the definition of normal going to be?  For someone like myself that tends towards the worrier type, I am in a constant state of heightened fear. And even in the moments of joy and comfort I am in the background playing the movie reel of “what if it’s not okay.”

I admit this because I want you, or anyone who might read this, to know that it its okay.  It is okay not to know. It is okay to be worried and fearful and not feel like learning French or refinishing your wood floors is high priority right now even if you’ve always wanted to.  Just because you have the time, doesn’t mean now is the time.  Sometimes we just need to let ourselves survive anyway we can. Give yourself grace today. We all need it.